Two and a half years old, when kids barely learn to speak, I blurted out the most unwanted thing in front of a whole bunch of people.
I remember this incident faintly, majorly for the last part, however the reason for that lies in the first bit of the information. My mother tells me, at that age, I spoke out loud about one of the neighboring ladies, about how she harassed her husband and slapped him hard, twice. And I quickly expressed "how bad she was".. Maybe uttering something that I shouldn't really have. And how it would have never come out in the open, if u wouldn't have said it..
Well, that was about it when my father lost his cool, took me inside in a different room, locked it, to beat the hell out of me. This is what I remember! Getting beaten up, mom and others present in the scene shouting and crying from outside the room and begging my father to stop. All in vain!
He did his best to beat me up with his belt, his hands and anything that he could lay his hands on which served his purpose. He was furious at me for having said what I said in front of the audience in the house that day. And yes! It was a good audience of 15-20 members of the family and friends.
As he was hitting me the only thing I remember him telling me was this - 'you dare use such words again. You are NOT ALLOWED to speak in such a manner which hurts others. What is everyone outside going to think of you? Of me? Everyone would say I have a shameless child. You dare speak this way again!' And all I could do was cry and cry till finally he decided he was done and let me out.
This, was a huge incident of my life. I later realized how this incident has affected me deeply. Three things happened here.
I remember this incident faintly, majorly for the last part, however the reason for that lies in the first bit of the information. My mother tells me, at that age, I spoke out loud about one of the neighboring ladies, about how she harassed her husband and slapped him hard, twice. And I quickly expressed "how bad she was".. Maybe uttering something that I shouldn't really have. And how it would have never come out in the open, if u wouldn't have said it..
Well, that was about it when my father lost his cool, took me inside in a different room, locked it, to beat the hell out of me. This is what I remember! Getting beaten up, mom and others present in the scene shouting and crying from outside the room and begging my father to stop. All in vain!
He did his best to beat me up with his belt, his hands and anything that he could lay his hands on which served his purpose. He was furious at me for having said what I said in front of the audience in the house that day. And yes! It was a good audience of 15-20 members of the family and friends.
As he was hitting me the only thing I remember him telling me was this - 'you dare use such words again. You are NOT ALLOWED to speak in such a manner which hurts others. What is everyone outside going to think of you? Of me? Everyone would say I have a shameless child. You dare speak this way again!' And all I could do was cry and cry till finally he decided he was done and let me out.
This, was a huge incident of my life. I later realized how this incident has affected me deeply. Three things happened here.
1. 'You dare speak this way again' - this was enough to make me BELIEVE, speaking out what I feel was a crime.
2. What is everyone going to think of you? Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that what others think of you is of utmost importance.
3. 'Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that as a child I am also responsible for my parents reputation and of what others will think of my parents.
2. What is everyone going to think of you? Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that what others think of you is of utmost importance.
3. 'Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that as a child I am also responsible for my parents reputation and of what others will think of my parents.
The major BELIEF of them all, which got inflicted, was this: I will be punished every time I speak what I want to.
From where I am today, I can see how this incident made me put down my own needs. How it suppressed my own communication for so many years. And how I would stop expressing my truth for a long time.
Forgiving my father fir this was not easy. Letting go of this memory was not easy either. It took constant practice and persistence in what I did, to reach a point where I could change these venomous beliefs. Which also served as a reason of many downfalls in my life. Yet, I thank every experience because, for I went through it, I am what I am today.
Can I talk? Yes. All of us can talk well. Big deal. But, can I truly genuinely SPEAK MY TRUTH? YES.
I can. I can, now, in true sense SPEAK MY HEART.
Am i afraid of being punished for what I have to say? DEFINITELY NOT. Am I worried about others judging me? NO. Now that, is one beautiful change..
From where I am today, I can see how this incident made me put down my own needs. How it suppressed my own communication for so many years. And how I would stop expressing my truth for a long time.
Forgiving my father fir this was not easy. Letting go of this memory was not easy either. It took constant practice and persistence in what I did, to reach a point where I could change these venomous beliefs. Which also served as a reason of many downfalls in my life. Yet, I thank every experience because, for I went through it, I am what I am today.
Can I talk? Yes. All of us can talk well. Big deal. But, can I truly genuinely SPEAK MY TRUTH? YES.
I can. I can, now, in true sense SPEAK MY HEART.
Am i afraid of being punished for what I have to say? DEFINITELY NOT. Am I worried about others judging me? NO. Now that, is one beautiful change..
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