Strings of the heart, pain of the soul, music of my being..

Sometimes, some layers of hurt run so deep that the origin and the end are unfathomable.

Once in a lifetime, a relationship is presented, which is so strong, that the mere thought of putting it to an end can be disruptive. Such relationships come to teach us, to help us grow. The hurt, the pain, however, gets ingrained so deep, that layers and layers we peel and peel, the sorrow just doesn't leave. 

All of us have loved. Loved from the bottom of our core, our heart. 
Some have been lucky to see it through, and some had to part. 
Those who have been lucky, know not what it feels, know not what it takes
To touch the wounds, feel the pain and the burn, where each moment the heart breaks

Years ago I met a boy
Who, was no eye candy to the eye.
Simple and formal was our connection such
One could not expect too much. 

With the passing of time the relation grew
Living without each other we never knew.. 
Going deeper and deeper into our heart space 
The love blossomed and took us in its embrace.  

The need, the want to be together
He was all that I wanted, I needed no other.
Lost in my thoughts to understand what he felt
Amidst all this, he still made my heart melt...

Time passed by bringing ups and downs
However, we were strong with all the wounds
Trying to spread me as a doormat at times
I tried to save the love and the vibes. 

Where does a person go, when the one you love the most, 
Seems totally out of sight, disappears like a ghost. 
What does a person do when the one they can die for
Tell you that their love for someone has surpassed yours! 

I held on to the broken pieces, keeping the love alive 
He would come back to me often, With all his jibe. 
No matter how much, we pulled each other apart
The connection wasn't lost, we were present in some part... 

The paths separated, as I guess they were meant to, someday
I would still find myself, being there for him in every possible way. 
Every time I would see how much I care for him. 
So much so that I would turn, every other priority, dim. 

Things happened as they were meant to, we lost our common friend. 
And that was the time, we came together again.
Little did I know, what I was getting into one more time
The road was going to get tougher, covered with more slime...

Silent sufferings became my best friend when
His words were less and taunts were more and each day I would just bend. 
Spread myself thinner than before giving it another chance.
Never did I knew that for him, all of it was just a dirty dance. 

The guilt he had for cheating on me was getting the better of him. 
And to me, my hurt and pain had reached its highest brim. 
Fights turned ugly and situations worse only to hurt me more 
Love to me then became a legend, some fiction, some lore...

Multiplied a thousand times my issues and insecurities rose 
And what I had dreaded of the most, happened right under my nose. 
This time though there was no heart break, as I was shattered to the core 
In the depths of my soul, successfully, a hole in my being he bore. 

Still, I tried to hold on tight, put up a happy face, in hope
Someday he would stop hurting me, and hold the other end of the rope.
The hurt the pain so strong and out, from it, I  couldn't separate myself
I felt my life was cheap as hell when wanted, thrown off the shelf. 

It took me time, it took my efforts to overcome this despair
Even after releasing and working so much, I couldn't fully repair. 
To this day, when I see him with someone else, It hurts and kills inside 
To know that once I was the only one to be there by his side. 

I know everything comes to us to teach us lessons unlearned. 
However, when I look at him, I always feel shunned. 
Why was this love so difficult to turn into something good
Why did we have to all the time, hide under the hood? 

Why does he still come to me, - you are my friend - he says
I cannot find any reason there, I cannot see any friendship ways.  
It was and it is and it always will be Love. And a love so deep and strong
No matter where we go, where we are. To each other, we will belong...

Do you listen to your heart?

I want to ask you all a question today!

How often do you listen to your heart?

Your heart is inclined to do something, however, your logical mind stops you from doing it. You know that once you follow your heart, you will have much more to explore, much more to experience. 
It could be taking a class, traveling to a place, going to that retreat or just going out for a day.

How often do you allow yourself to do that? Well, you may say, I want to.. BUT I can't because of od this. That..

Let me tell you, this BUT.. Really deserves a kick in the butt. Because it is stopping you from following your heart. This but, is nothing but resistance which tour subconscious mind has already created so that you do not step out of your comfort zone to make some huge changes in your life. Resistance is created. And yes! You are the one creating this resistance, consciously or unconsciously!

You manifest for yourself an illness, financial crunch, or even any other family member's sickness. Yes! Even that, is your manifestation. Remember this - everything outside is a reflection of what is there inside..?
Exactly! All the excuses that you think are keeping you away, are in reality your own projections of not wanting to get your of your comfort zone.

I have time and time again encountered resistance along all walks of life. However, time and time again I have gathered the courage to take that leap of faith and plunge into things. And magically, I always had the finances, the time, the energy, the efficiency to do all that, which I thought I couldn't.

Breaking free of this mental and subconscious pattern is important. Know that, growth happens when you step out of your comfort zone!

Step out of your comfort zone. And you will know what life really is!

Another tussle with the belief systems..

Two and a half years old, when kids barely learn to speak, I blurted out the most unwanted thing in front of a whole bunch of people.

I remember this incident faintly, majorly for the last part, however the reason for that lies in the first bit of the information. My mother tells me, at that age, I spoke out loud about one of the neighboring ladies, about how she harassed her husband and slapped him hard, twice. And I quickly expressed "how bad she was".. Maybe uttering something that I shouldn't really have. And how it would have never come out in the open, if u wouldn't have said it..

Well, that was about it when my father lost his cool, took me inside in a different room, locked it, to beat the hell out of me. This is what I remember! Getting beaten up, mom and others present in the scene shouting and crying from outside the room and begging my father to stop. All in vain!

He did his best to beat me up with his belt, his hands and anything that he could lay his hands on which served his purpose. He was furious at me for having said what I said in front of the audience in the house that day. And yes! It was a good audience of 15-20 members of the family and friends.

As he was hitting me the only thing I remember him telling me was this - 'you dare use such words again. You are NOT ALLOWED to speak in such a manner which hurts others. What is everyone outside going to think of you? Of me? Everyone would say I have a shameless child. You dare speak this way again!' And all I could do was cry and cry till finally he decided he was done and let me out.

This, was a huge incident of my life. I later realized how this incident has affected me deeply. Three things happened here.

1. 'You dare speak this way again' - this was enough to make me BELIEVE, speaking out what I feel was a crime.
2. What is everyone going to think of you? Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that what others think of you is of utmost importance.
3. 'Of me?' - was enough to make me BELIEVE that as a child I am also responsible for my parents reputation and of what others will think of my parents.

The major BELIEF of them all, which got inflicted, was this: I will be punished every time I speak what I want to.

From where I am today, I can see how this incident made me put down my own needs. How it suppressed my own communication for so many years. And how I would stop expressing my truth for a long time.

Forgiving my father fir this was not easy. Letting go of this memory was not easy either. It took constant practice and persistence in what I did, to reach a point where I could change these venomous beliefs. Which also served as a reason of many downfalls in my life. Yet, I thank every experience because, for I went through it, I am what I am today.

Can I talk? Yes. All of us can talk well. Big deal. But, can I truly genuinely SPEAK MY TRUTH? YES.

I can. I can, now, in true sense SPEAK MY HEART. 

Am i afraid of being punished for what I have to say? DEFINITELY NOT. Am I worried about others judging me? NO. Now that, is one beautiful change..

Beliefs! Are what drive us day in and day out.

I am sitting in silence, softly gazing upon the star lit sky. So many thoughts and questions dancing in my head. Warm tears of hurt and pain slowly gliding down my cheeks. No one knows, I am on the terrace in the middle of the night. 

What was I doing there? The burden of the hurt was too much to handle for me. "You are fat. You should reduce weight. I am saying this that your health doesn't get affected in the future".. Were his words. Which pinched me to the core. 'I am not good enough. I will never be good enough'.. Were the words I was repeating to myself constantly. This belief, of 'not being good enough' in my relationships, hit me hard not once, not twice but many times throughout my life. This was just one more incident to bring that belief up to the surface. 

It took me a while to realize that, he is showing me my own mirror. The beliefs that I carry inside of me, attract into my life, people and situations which mirror them in the outer reality. And when this realization set into action, I knew what I had to do! 

I had to work on my belief - I am not good enough - which was stemming from varied incidents from the past as well as from the previous life times! (yes. I did a few regressions on myself too.)

It wasn't an easy task definitely. Peeling away and clearing layers and layers and layers of relationship wounds, experiences and incidents responsible for instilling this belief in me, was not easy. Often times, it would challenge my courage to stand up against the people I love. Many a times it would push me into the depths of the emotional turmoil I may have gone through to release it all. And finally, it took a whole lot of courage and love for self to change that belief into I AM GOOD. I AM ENOUGH. 

It took constant reminders to self, constant awareness of what and how I feel, constant work at the subconscious level to reach a point to be able to turn the belief around. Has it changed? Yes! It has. Do I believe that I am good enough? NO. I BELIEVE I AM THE BEST. 
And I really mean it. I love myself to the point that I now KNOW that I am the best and that whoever my future husband is, is going to be the luckiest guy on this planet. 

So what happened to my weight? Ahh. Well, self love comes with acceptance. And I accept myself the way I am. Am I taking care of myself to stay healthy. YES. That is something which has changed too..

My ancestor, My guide

Crashing against my windowsill
The showers make me feel so blue
Caught in the downpour, roaring yet still
I know that this a blessing from you.. 

I remember the times you yearned for me
Longing to see me, love me, hold me one more time
Years and years you waited for me 
Hoping some day I would just stop by.. 

I kept you waiting, for that one glance
While I got busy and got on with my life.. 
I regret the times I missed that chance
Pressured under the family ties

I took you for granted keeping you hooked
While you always continued to try. 
To get my attention, even if it went unlooked
You always wiped your tears dry 

Never did i think, I would lose you someday 
That all of a sudden you would leave us behind
Your loss was a learning, an experience so grey 
Leaving me shattered and broken from inside.

All the love in mt heart came crashing down
No outlet to express, no more you by my side
I don't remember how long, in this grief I was drowned 
Before I realized you are here as my guide 

I cannot undo the pain I have caused
I cannot, go back in time 
I wish I had some more time on my hands 
Before we bid our final goodbye 

Yet, you came to me, the day you left
You held me in your arms, you held me tight
I go back to that time, I savor that moment
When I saw you, in your light

You have been my guide, my savior, my protector
Helping me heal, with all your might
You are my hero, my guardian ancestor
The one who's given me the inspiration to write 

Those moments when mom says 'you are like your grandmother'
Are the moments that fill my being with pride 
My soul reaches out to you, oh my beloved 
For I know you are always by my side..

You've blessed me enough to learn and accept
Somehow making all the moments right
Your love, your teachings are with me, forever kept
Your strength lends me the power to fight

Although I know you can see me, hear me, feel my pain
Wanting to come to you, take that lane.. 
I know that someday, some where in space and time, 
I KNOW SOMEDAY, WE SHALL MEET AGAIN
I KNOW SOMEDAY, WE SHALL MEET AGAIN....

Happy Birthday Nani! I love you.. No matter where you are, no matter what is going on, know that I always, always LOVE YOU from the bottom of my heart !!! <3 

Twilight

Watching the sun go down is one of the best feelings in the world to me. As I sit inside this cab and stare at the world outside, see people hustling away to reach the places they are headed towards, the inspiration to write this comes to me.

Besides me, I see moments and moments passing by, with no sight of awareness in anyone evidently .
Vehicles moving at a snail's pace, people moaning and groaning about the traffic, I wonder how many of them are really noticing the colours in the sky change! From the lightest hues of blue to the deepest indigo now, I doubt anyone witnessed this beautiful transition and play of colours in the sky.

Faces hooked on to the vehicle in front of them. Minds hooked on to the destination they want to reach. Filled with thoughts of all kinds. Conversations about how this traffic is causing a problem in the set schedule and plan to delay things. So much going on around. So much is at offer in this very moment. So much...

So much so that I know I have a choice. To moan about this traffic or to take the time to make it productive. I choose different.

I am reminded of how grateful I am, to be able to sit back peacefully and watch the world pass by. See the moments pass by. How grateful I am to have people who I can call my own. How grateful I am to be able to spare some time to see my friends. The ones who have been there time and time again, no matter what.

This is one of those times when I know I am with myself. NO ONE. BUT MYSELF. There is this calm inside of me. Which keeps me in check. Keeps me grounded to where I am. Also takes me to the magical world of the skies and the faeries and the Angels as I stare upon it with love and awe. I feel whole. When I talk to the beings of the sky. I feel whole. When I know I am aware of my own thoughts and feelings.

Moments like these, make me practice gratitude in true sense. When I am grateful for everything I have. How often do you do that? Become grateful for everything you have? How often do you take the time out to be with yourself?

No matter where you go
No matter what you do
You are the one you truly have
Even if the whole crowd or no one is with you

The sun shines bright when its high up
Mellows down when its down there..
Twilight is however my favorite aspect
As it blends in beautifully the power of the day and the sight of the night..

Often times while we are engrossed in the process of heading towards something, we miss out on the beauty and blessings the journey can bring us.
And that is why I always say:

Enjoy the journey.. The destination is going to come anyways...

A love found..

It's 6 am in the morning and I am standing on my open terrace staring at nothing. When the chirping of the birds, draws my attention back into the present. It's been a long night. A nigh spent in laughter and joy, then later in tears and memory. 

Often times, all the feelings that I ran away from, came up to the surface. What did I do? I ran further away from them time and time again. Denying them. Consoling myself, that I am strong. I am strong enough. Really? Was that my strength? Or was it just running away from all that there was. 

Tonight, there was no escaping. I was ready to face whatever comes up. And I did! 

It feels like a lifetime. The time I first met him. The time when we came close as best friends, and then as lovers. It has been a totally different world from then. My universe, my sunshine - him. It's been a lifetime, of out togetherness. Of the love, the passion, the compassion we shared. As well as of the hate, the jealousy and the hurt we put each other through. Breaking each other's hearts time and time again. Dispersing into our own wolds, only to come back and unite again. Was I not able to let go? YES. Was he not able to let go? Don't know. But going down the memory lane, I look at everything that there is to US now. 

I know what you are thinking. So what's new here? Everyone has the same story to tell. Wait. There is a difference. 

We are different, yet the same. Poles apart, yet similar at the core. IT IS ALL THE SAME. Nothing has changed over the years. I am the same Kanchan I always was. To him. He is the same he always was - to me. We are close enough to understand how far we are from each other. We care enough to let the other take care of them-self. We love enough, to let each other go.. 

It has been a lifetime. A good one. And a bad one too. I always held on to the good, denying the bad. I always held on to false hope, consoling myself - that someday, one fine day, everything will just be back to normal. I held on to my emotions. The ones which were not required, denying those, which needed expression, needed clearing. And tonight, brought me the courage to look into those emotions in the eye, face them and let myself be immersed in the intensity of them. For my own good. I cried. And cried some more. ITS OVER. It is finally over. 

I AM AWAKE NOW. No. Not literally. I am awake in my own being. 

The sleep has ended. The illusions are gone. The layers peeled. Masks have been taken away. 

THE STORM HAS PASSED. All that remains now is, the quiet, the silence, the void. An empty space. A space, which can never be filled by other. Only love lingers there. A love so strong. A love lived well. A love experienced well. A love lost.. JUST LOVE. 

I am awake to see, hear, feel this. The world outside now, is just a reminder of this awareness within me. The stillness. The tranquility. 

It is 6 am in the morning and the skies are starting to lighten up. The rays of the sun come out from the far end of the dense, dark clouds. My awareness screams out to the universe - The storm has passed. I am healed. Cycles are complete. I am free. He is free. The chirping of the birds remind me how chattered my mind was. How I couldn't listen to the rhythms in them. Today, is different. Today that space in my head is clear. Today, there is no angst, no anger, no hatred towards the other. There is JUST LOVE. Because, once, in my life, I craved for it, I wanted it and today, I appreciate it. 

He brought the gift of love well into my life. Maybe his role ends here. Because in the love that is lost.. I a found a new love. For MY SELF. 

Life.. As we know it !

Its at that point of time, when you are done with your past and are clueless about your future, you seek for more information on what and who you really are or want to be!

This point can come at any age of your life depending upon your curiosity and the urge to break free from the set patterns and rules of the world … Its then, you make a decision, either to make your life or break your heart by following what you already are doing. 

Every one of you, has a lost identity inside .. A singer, a painter, a writer, a dancer, a teacher, an adventurer, a musician, florist, biker, traveler, and God knows what not!! How many times has it happened that you had to give up on something you love for the sake of the world? For the sake of your job, your family, your relations, or for the sake of circumstances .. or the rules implemented upon you by the society…

I am very sure, everyone reading this will answer with a YES!
In this journey of life, treading along the norms of the family and the society in general, we give up on so much, that could be of a million dollar worth for our Souls, for our heart ..

Remember the last time you did something that made you happy .. And when I say happy, means genuinely happy … When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you connected to nature?

These activities will really help you understand your gifts in life. The USP that sets you apart from every living soul on this earth! Something that only belongs to you. Something that no one else can do better – but you!

We all come to this earth to find that one unique thing, but get lost in the regulations and set patters imposed upon us from birth. We forget, we have a purpose here to serve, to achieve eternal bliss..

Make the decision to break free while there is still time, to find out your GIFT … To give it away to others, so others are blessed to have you.. So much so that, you become a Angel for someone who needs help … So much so that, you soul is immersed in the eternal dance of Joy!!